L.I.F.E.

An excerpt from an old article I came across titled: “Busy, busy, busy – for what?” by Lauren Lim.

That brings me to the point.

Many of us are so busy running around day in, day out. I sometimes wonder if we all know where we are going and why we do what we do. Are we doing for the sake of doing? Or do the things we do make us and the world around us better?

Jobs aside, I am talking about the many other peripherals that take us away from our families and perhaps even prevent us from having enough rest. Those that feed our egoistical nature; those that “need” to be done so that the world would know that we have arrived; those we do that we may be included into the “in crowd”.

I suppose the activities themselves are harmless but the question to ask ourselves is, “Do we need to do it?” Many times, we find our minds so jumbled up with the amount of choices thrown at us. We can be in danger of not knowing the difference between needs and wants.

- We know of someone who “needs” a holiday ever so often but has not much savings.

- Then there is the one who finds an excuse to get involved in almost every “good cause” and ends up not completing any of it in a worthy manner.

- Another friend spent a huge amount of money on a cutlery set but stinges on the choice of food she puts on the table. Obviously, aesthetics are more important than nutrition for her.

Looking deeper, all of them have a need to prove themselves to others. Why? Insecurities brought on by past experiences or a deeper need that is not met. They then try to fill in the gap with other things, material or experimental. Someone once told me that “I HAVE to get my hands on that latest mobiles phone. It suits my handbag better than the present one.” See my point?

Necessities and desires.

Nothing wrong with either but everything wrong in manipulating it for selfish and often times empty reasons.

那天和你一起骑机车；

你轻轻地摸着我的手；

一种很轻柔的感觉；

在你的背后；

今天起床；

你的颈项沾满了汉；

你知道我看着你；

你慢慢苏醒；

转过身；

我吻了你一下；

你说你并没有睡得特别好；

很多梦；

太热了，我说；

我的手作杯状示意咖啡时间到；

嗯，你说；

很温柔地；

我感觉到。

而你总会将比较多咖啡的那一杯给我；

it is indeed a very very strange feeling. your thought is so clearly map out, every single moment.

it is so lively with a life of its own, you try to refrain yourself from trying to think about it, but it will find its own way to slip thru no matter what.

you realize back then when you want it, you didnt get it, but now when you don’t want it, it always there, with you.

 

Céline: I’m happy you’re saying that because…I mean, I always feel like a freak because I’m never able to move on like (snaps her fingers) this! You know? People just have an affair or even…entire relationships…they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I’ve been with. Because each person have…their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost.

Each relationship when it ends really damages me; I never fully recover. That’s why I’m very careful with getting involved because…it hurts too much! Even getting laid - I actually don’t do that. I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I’m obsessed with little things.

Maybe I’m crazy, but…when I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees rolling on the sidewalk or…ants crossing the road…the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk…little things. I think it’s the same with people. I see in them little details so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss, and…will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

(Smiling directly at Jesse.) Like I remember the way your beard has a little bit of red in it. And how the sun was making it glow that…that morning, right before you left. I remember that and…I missed it! I’m really crazy, right?

Jesse: Alright, now I know for sure. You wanna know why I wrote that stupid book?

Céline: Why?

Jesse: So that you might come to a reading in Paris, and I could walk up to you and ask, "Where the fuck were you?"

"beauty is in the eye of the beholder";

there is no right or wrong;

there is no black or white;

there is no left or right;

people just say things they wanted to say;

not seeking agreement;

not meant to be criticize;

not trying to be negative;

rather to just simply express how they feel;

on things;

on people;

on life;

on you;

on me;

take notice of things more and voice it out;

i think you defend yourself too much;

by emphasizing it ahead;

want to make a point;

but afraid to be misjudged;

dont think i did;

and;

dont think i will;

i have not pre-judge you in anyway;

at all;

i dont think ;

besides the conclusion is not important;

the point is the conversation.

“For our culture that is not easily understandable. To judge them harshly is to isolate them. You cannot make change that way.”

和你在一起密集地on and off渡过了两个星期；

两次的一日游；

晒一身的古铜色；

戴着耳机一起听mp3；

骑着脚踏车慢慢游小岛；

回程的雨；

你知道我多么想拉着你的手在雨中跑吗？

尝试去看电影；

错过时间；

人太多；

票太贵；

终于在第四次时成功了；

开场前四十五分钟；

吃着不经济又不实惠的早餐；

谈着对美的观点；

没有争论；

也却没有结论；

回到家；

好累；

和你道晚安；

睡了；

这是我理想中的美；

一切一切；

都；

很美很美。

Céline: Yeah, that’s a great story. But you have to think that Notre Dame will be gone one day. There used to be another church or cathedral at the same…right there.

Jesse: What, right in the same spot?

Céline: Yeah. Yeah, this is great, I’ve never done this!

Jesse: Yeah.

Céline: I forget about how beautiful Paris is.

Jesse: It’s not so bad being a tourist, you know.

Céline: Thank you for getting me on the boat.

Jesse: Well, you’re welcome. You know, I think that book that I wrote, in a way, was like building something. So that I wouldn’t forget the details of the time that we spent together. You know like, just as a reminder that…that once we really did meet, you know, that this was real. This happened.

how can you stand me?

and i’m wondering with the same question

how can you stand me?

如果他是你的；

他会是你的；

但是从不是变成是；

到底要等多久呢？

等是一个过程也是一个决定；

一个没有办法以时间衡量的过程；

却足以摧毁你人生的一个决定。

Jesse: (On telephone.) Yes, is this Philippe? Yeah, Philippe, this is Jesse Wallace…uh yeah. Listen, I’m…I’m ah, on one of those boats, right? Um and we’re gonna arrive at…uh…Henry Four…at Port Henry Four, you know, you know what that is? Alright, gre…And you have my bags, right? Yeah, so will be there in…I don’t know it’s the next stop. OK. Au revoir. (Heads to the bow of the boat and sits down next to Céline, facing the back of the boat.)

Céline: OK?

Jesse: Yeah, yeah.

Jesse: (Looks up at Notre Dame Cathedral behind the boat.) Oh, wow! Notre Dame…man, check that out!

Céline: Oh, wow!

Jesse: I heard this story once, about when the…the Germans were occupying Paris and they had to retreat back, they wired Notre Dame to blow. But they had to…they had to leave one guy in charge of hitting the switch and the guy, the soldier, he…he couldn’t do it. You know, he just sat there, knocked out by how beautiful the place was. And then, when the Allied troops came in, they found all the explosives just lying there…and the switch unturned and they found the same thing at…Sacre Coeur…Eiffel Tower…a couple of other places, I think.

Céline: Is that true?

Jesse: I don’t know… I always liked the story, though.

i can’t see the sorrow in your eyes;

you said you’re so tired of disguise;

i know forever in my heart;

you will be my star;

always.

you refuse to tell me the reason;

i already know why;

you hold my hand;

let’s get outta here;

you and me;

you and me.

From his last interview: ‘People always feel compelled to sum you up, to presume that they have you and can describe you. That’s fine. But there are many stories inside of me and a lot I want to achieve outside of one flat note.’

constant endless conversations carried out between them;

it feels even more real than they could ever think of;

there’s this quote from this movie:

“to truly communicate with people is very hard to do”;

people can’t read mind;

it would be easier if they can;

that also would means a big problem;

the world is going to be a mess;

without lies;

people can just see thru you;

we’re living in a world full of lies;

lies serve many many purposes;

for their own sake;

not that he is lying ;

it’s just that he chose to tell her less about his feeling;

will this make him feel any less painful being with her?

the answer is no;

but at least to him;

she wont be the one to go thru the pain;

with that;

he will always remember that saturday.

我都会马上查看我们通话了多久时间；

而每一次我们都只不过谈了不超过5分钟而已；

很想很想和你聊很久很久的天；

谈一些芝麻绿豆的小事；

让我认识你多一些；

但我却不要你认识我多一些；

我这样做很自私吧？

你会要问我为什么吗？

你对我的关心我感觉到；

我每一次都有意无意地婉拒着；

我是没有恶意的；

我想要知道原因；

因为我们总不能这样一辈子啊。

Céline: What guy?

Jesse: The… the war photographer.

Céline: Yes, of course. (To the attendant.) Merci. (Thank you.)

Attendant: Merci.

Jesse: (To the attendant) Merci. (To Céline.) I’m sorry, do you…do you have that cell phone?

Céline: Oh, yeah. OK.

Jesse: (Turns on the phone.) Alright, what do I tell him?

Céline: Yeah, tell him to pick you up at “Quai Henri IV”

Jesse: Oh, shit. At “Que…”

Céline: Henri quatre, Quai Henri quatre…HEN-RI QUA-TRE… (Laughs.) What’s wrong with you? No, do you want me to…Henri quatre.

Jesse: Henry four?

Céline: Yes!

Jesse: Come on, why didn’t you say so?

Céline: I’m sorry! (Walks slowly to the bow of the boat as it pulls away from the dock while Jesse speaks on the phone.)

really;

i dont;

i just want to get hold of you;

i dont want to wake up someday and having regret that i didn’t spend that period of time with you in my life;

what will we become seems less important;

far more less important than the moment we could’ve had.

轻轻的鼻鼾声；

我的手在你肌肤零点零一公分的距离游移；

找一天我们一起去那里，好吗？

好，我总是说好；

我不知道那一天到底是哪一天；

我随意地；

是我在假装；

还是我是真的根本不在乎；

我的脚步轻浮；

踏在一条确定和不确定的线上。

我和你并不是一场梦;

这是我唯一能确定的。

 

Jesse: (Motioning to tourist boat.) Let’s get on that boat! Come on!

Céline: No!

Jesse: No, come on, it will be fun!

Céline: You don’t have time! We gotta go.

Jesse: It’s just about to take off. Look, I’ve got… I’ve got…15 more minutes…um, do you have a cell phone?

Céline: Yeah.

Jesse: Alright, look, I got that…that driver guy’s number, and I can call him, and then they… can pick us up at wherever the next stop is.

Céline: OK, you know I’ve never been on these boats, it’s for tourists, it’s embarrassing!

Jesse: C’mon.

Céline: OK, alright. (To the boat attendant.) Ahh, c’est bon? On peut rentrées? (Is it OK for us to get on?) (They board the boat.) Deux tickets, s’il vous plait! (Two tickets please.)

Jesse: No, I’ll get it, I’ll get it.

Céline: Non, non, c’est bon, j’ai de l’argent! (No, it’s OK, I have money!)

Jesse: Alright, alright, alright.

Céline: (To the boat attendant.) C’est ou qu’il s’arrete…le prochain arrete? (Whene does it stop…the next stop?)

Attendant: C’est au quai…merci monsieur. (At the next quai…thank you, sir.)

Jesse: So, you’re in love with that guy?

early morning;

waking up for supper;

long chat about the world;

casually;

feeling miserable on how one can’t change the world;

admitting the sadness that people have for each other;

live a better life;

there’re things that should be left unsaid;

and maybe it’s better that way;

“could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? life would be intolerably bearable.”

我们之间真的是习惯了对方；

当我用自己的方式去表达自己时；

你却错误地以为是我变了；

我没有变；

只是一直以来我都用一种很礼貌的态度；

来对待你；

所以那天的拒绝让你很愕然；

原来我渐渐地没有了自己；

因为我要对你好；

但;

我不知道你有没有看到我的好；

现在的我；

只想要一个人；

一个人。

Jesse: Yeah, but isn’t it dangerous? I mean, aren’t a lot of those guys getting killed these days?

Céline: He promises me he doesn’t take risks. (They veer right from the sidewalk to walk close toward the river.) But I often worry. He goes in this trance when he starts to photograph some things.

Jesse: What do you mean?

Céline: Well, once we were in New Delhi and we passed a bum, that was lying down the sidewalk…

Jesse: A “bom”?

Céline: A bum! A homeless…

Jesse: A bum (laughs), alright.

Céline: Anyway, like, he looked like he needed help, but his first reaction was to photograph him. He went, like, really close to his face, fixing his collar, to make it look better. He was like totally detached from the person.

Jesse: Yeah, but don’t you have to be like that to be good at that job?

Céline: Yeah, I mean, I’m not…you know, I’m not…I’m not judging him for it, you know? What he does is essential and incredible. All I’m saying is I could never do it.

 

dear you,

I’m not a romanticism but i believe in real feelings that 2 people genuinely have for each other.

remember i said, it takes two to tango and all these times that you asked to spend together, i could’ve or should’ve said no, but i didn’t, so, you have not been a block to me. for this to happen, i have to take responsibility too. everyone deserves to be happy, you and me, no difference.

when you told me you want to see me together with my family someday, my kids and my husband right in front of you, being very very happy, I’m very touched, though at the same time i wish i could hope for you the same thing that there will be a day, where you and the one you love appearing right in front of me, you holding her hand and introduce her to me, your face is glowing with smile and happiness, i really wish i can tell you that that’s what i wanted to see………….i couldn’t but you have to believe me that i truly want you to be happy.

i feel i haven’t entitled any right to ask you questions that seem to be too personal and expose my true feelings, coz you made clear that you don’t want a relationship with me and that creates the idea to me that i am just a dear friend to you. both of us having really strong sexual attraction and that we really wanted to spend as much time together as we can with each other, but other than that, who am i to question you, your life, your being………I’m not your girlfriend, we’re not in a serious relationship, you have your own right to act what you feel, to do what you want, to be with whoever you want and there is nothing i can do about it.

this is just a mutual understanding that we as two separate individuals sharing a really really special moment/ bond together, agree? our feelings for each other is way more than that now. i can’t put a word to it, i don’t know how to describe our relationship…..but trust me, i feel as much hurting and sadness as you do if we were to quit this……..and the constant agony on deciding whether or not we should go on.

gosh, I’m weak. but you know, maybe we’re only good at this type of relationship, who knows?

if you ever wonder why am i writing all this to you is because i don’t want to wake up one morning, regret that i didn’t tell you things that i should’ve.

yours,

me